Hip, hip, hooray!!

Yep! My surgery chapters should now be closed. After almost a full year, I finally had my surgery to exchange out these expanders for the implants this morning! I cannot tell you how excited I am. I have had a total of four surgeries this year: auxillary sentinel lymph node surgery with port installation, double mastectomy with placement of expanders and port removal, ovaries removed, and finally today exchanging out expanders for permanent implants. As I think about this past year, I am amazed at all I have endured. I never thought I would have experienced chemo, radiation, and 4 surgeries within this past year all by the age of 37! It truly has been a whirlwind this year.

Since most people have no experience with expanders, let me tell you about them. This is what a tissue expander (on left) looks like before being placed verses a silicone implant(right side). As you can see, the implant is squeezable.

vs.

Once the tissue expanders are placed, they fill it over time to stretch your skin and muscle. Here is a picture of how it is placed.

You can see, there is just a thin shell of muscle and skin. Needless to say, it is uncomfortable. I was able to adjust to it pretty quickly. The biggest problem with the tissue expanders is feeling pressure and the inability of movement. What has been taken away this past year was my ability to hold my children on my lap and cuddle with them. The pressure of them leaning back on me was too uncomfortable. I am so ecstatic to be able to hold the kiddos and let them lean on me. Just the idea of the implant being able to move is thrilling to me. I can't wait to wear a real bra again instead of a sports bra.

Today has marked another chapter closed on this breast cancer journey. I want to thank everyone for the support and prayers given to me through my journey. As I recoup from my last surgery, I hope you take time to enjoy your Memorial Day weekend! Thank you again for hanging in there with me! It has meant a lot!! Take care!

 

 

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So much for promises

I know.  I know.  I remember that I promised to post at least once a week.  Well, what can I say but life happens, priorities change, and on, and on but I am here today.  Have I done projects?  Sure.  Do I have a back log waiting in the garage?  Sure.  What self-respecting DIY blogging gal doesn't?  Am I going to share them with you?  Of course, don't be absurd.  But before I show you any DIY project or makeover, I must share my most recent acquisition.

Allow me to give you the back story first.  You see.  Last Thursday, I was scheduled for a laparoscopic oophorectomy.  What is that you ask?  A fancy, new cosmetic surgery?  No.  Just a way to dive full blown into menopause.  Oh hooray for me.  No, seriously.  Since my breast cancer was estrogen positive, it was necessary.  Taking the ovaries out was a way to stop my body from creating that evil estrogen that my cancer really liked.  So, the day before surgery was auction day.  What a better way to give myself a consolation prize for hitting menopause at age 36 than going to the auction for some shop therapy.

Just so you know.  My surgery was "uneventful" (thank goodness).  Just crossing my fingers that hot flashes, night sweats, and weight gain will not be a major issue for me now that I am in menopause.  But hey, don't I know that things can be worse.  I will take it.  Okay, back to my acquisition.

I was determined to walk out of the auction with the winning bid.  Those poor folks didn't have a chance!  Are you ready to see the objects of my determination?  Okay...

I have a pair of the commode chests.  Aren't they fabulous?!  There is only one problem.  Both of the tops have seen better days.  So, the question I have for you is to paint or not?  I feel like they are so gorgeous that it would be a crime to paint them if not for the top needing some tlc.  But really, I am not feeling the wood with the decor of my bedroom.  So, I was thinking of transforming them with paint.

Here are a couple of inspiration pieces:

      
(above images from google images)

I would really love to here your feedback.  Tell me what you think.

Linking up to get some opinions at:

    

Cancerversary

February 7th was my one year cancerversary. There was no celebrations to be had. I was lying horizontal with mounds of tissue about swallowing me up. The icing on the cake was getting pink eye on top of the cold.

Now that I am feeling like I am among the living again, I have begun to reflect on this year of cancer. I never imagined I would of had to endure this so early in my life. Then I think, what would make me the exception. There are plenty of terrible things people have suffered children, young adults, and the elderly. I know when someone first gets the dreaded C diagnosis, they may start to think what did I do to deserve this. This hasn't been something I have really thought although I have had one or two wonder it to me. I can honestly say that I am genetically predisposed ( BRAC2 +). I have thought what if I ate a certain way, exercised more, but would I ever have an answer? No!

Back when I began chemo, I just realized this was my life. Life happens differently for each of us. Sometimes we must endure and live. So, I could sit here and recap this year but it is really how my life has unfolded. Life is ever changing. Life is a collection of moments. Life continues until our last breath. So, I will continue to live. I will not celebrate the cancerversary because I plan on being too busy living!

Oh, life

Hi! Do you remember me? I know. I have been gone all this month. Oh, life. Yes, that is what I have been up to. You see, I have been meandering through life just like I never had cancer. Yes, ever since my daily zaps of radiation ended in October, I put my head in the sand and lived like I did before this crazy cancer ride strapped me in. Denial can be such a strong thing.

Well, in mid-December my radiated breast got swollen and rashed out. We tried oral antibiotics. It got better. After a week, it was back. So, back to the doctor. The doctor said it wasn't cancer. Wow! What?! I wasn't even thinking that. Remember I have been an ostrich for a couple months. So, we try another oral antibiotics and I start freaking out that my doctor even mentioned cancer. Doc thinks it is cellulitus (skin infection) just on damaged skins from radiation. Of course, one has to google to get all the information. After my google research, I get worried that maybe I will be a freak case that has to get admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics, contract a staph infection and die! Thanks google!

Well, I didn't get admitted but doc did say I had to go in daily to the hospital for 7 days of IV antibiotics. About halfway through the IV antibiotics, my doc takes a look. No better. We switch gears. Perhaps this is just a skin radiation thing. So, now I get to take steroids while finishing up the IV antibiotics. Since I have had so many lymph nodes removed from one arm, they can only use my left arm for the IV's. By the last IV, my veins were toast. I think the nurses were drawing to see who would get the "short" straw to poke the girl with genetically bad veins in one usable arm. It took 6 tries to get it for the last day. So after all of that, everything got better only with the steroids.

So you might ask what the hub bub is all about?! Well, I guess I just wanted my old normal life. But after something small like this, I realize I just cannot pretend like everything was the same as before. My treatments may have ended but putting my life back together seems a bit difficult on some days. When you have faced cancer, it just puts a new spin on everything. You feel like every decision you make could determine the chance of recurrence. It was so great to just live life. Now, I feel as if my every move should and will have a life altering impact that I need to examine. I am starting to think the easy part was my treatment. I find it more difficult to navigate this new area called 'survivor' status. All of these feelings get to coincide with my cancerversary. While I am figuring out this new normal, I pledge to blog at least once a week. I just am grateful that you let me put it all out there. Thanks!

 

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No more

I wanted to let you know everything came back normal. When the lab tech took my blood last week, I asked about how they would detect cancer. She commented by my tumor markers. Since the blood draw, I was getting increasingly nervous about seeing my doctor today. You know, thinking the cancer was still lurking within me. I know, not positive but I am keeping it real. I asked the doctor about my labs specifically my tumor markers. She said that they don't test for those in breast cancer. What? I spent a whole week freaking out thinking today I may find out the cancer is back. What a waste of my time and energy! Well, no more! I guess I thought the tech would have magically known what type of cancer I had and what the doctor was looking for. Just so you know, my doctor was looking at marrow and liver and/or kidney levels. You know, seeing the toxic effects of my treatments. I am grateful that everything is normal. I just am kicking myself for allowing myself to get so nervous about a recurrence. This taught me that I cannot just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I will be enjoying everyday. In fact, after the doctor appointment and my Herceptin infusion, I worked on a little project because it is something I enjoyed. I plan to keep myself busy with projects big or small because it makes me happy. Life is too short to worry and not be happy. Thanks for letting me purge. I plan on getting back to how things were before I got strapped onto this crazy roller coaster.

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What's important

That is what I have been asking myself since the end of radiation. As I was nearing the end of radiation, I began to feel like this is a sort of second chance. This whole experience has made me examine my life (other than when it flashed before my eyes right after the doctor told me I have cancer). I mean I caught this cancer at stage II not IV. They have told me thus far there is no evidence of cancer remaining. I am inclined to believe that I will make it long enough to make my kids tell each other how old and senile their mother is.

 

I just feel like I need my life to make an impact but don't know where or how to do that. Before all this began, I loved painting furniture and such. Now, it somehow seems less important. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe the big guy upstairs is prompting me. Many survivors volunteer to help others with cancer but I am not sure I can do that now. Too many crazy thoughts creep in my head about reoccurrence. It is pretty taxing trying to figure out what I am suppose to do. I guess I will go the hubs advice, 'just recover, and be a good mother. ' Now, I think I can do that.

 

So bear with me while I muddle my way through this phase. I have some projects to show but am a little slow sharing these days. Hope you have a lovely weekend!

 

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Pinktober

I am sure it has not been unnoticed by you.  It is Pinktober, breast cancer awareness month.  Yes, I have become all to aware of breast cancer.  I finished up my 28 radiation treatments last Friday.  I am, to say the least, quite crispy.  It is like getting a sunburn on top of a sunburn, on top of a sunburn, well you get the idea.  I was told that this week and the next will yield the final results of my radiation (peeling, blistering, and possibly opening and draining).  Not my idea of fun.  So far, I have just peeled and am walking around with my hand on my hip to keep my arm from rubbing too much.  Let me just say ouch!!  But hey, at least I am still around.  If that is all I can complain about, I am lucky. 

Being Pinktober, you cannot go anywhere without seeing the pink ribbon on everything.  Pink is everywhere!  In honor to bring breast cancer awareness to you, I couldn't resist grabbing this pink wig from the Halloween section.

After reading this, I want all you gals to check yourself.  It is Pinktober after all! 

Fear & Road Trip

Today has been my second treatment of radiation, 2 out of 28.  This weekend I had may little breakdown.  You see, fear started to grip me with the unknown reactions that my body will have to this radiation.  Will my skin be so damaged that it will make reconstruction impossible, will my lung and ribs be significantly damaged, or will I be the 1 out of 3,000 that could develop cancer from the radiation being used to kill my current cancer.  The fear of the unknown gets me each time before I start a new treatment.  What a funny thing fear is.  It grips you and paralyzes you.  If you allow it, it will take control.  I may let fear take a day or two from me, but I then turn it over to God.  So, just like Carry Underwood sings, "Jesus, take the wheel."  I am leaving it in his hands.

I have decided that since my diagnosis, this has been like a road trip.  With each treatment, they say they give you time to recover before the next.  But it is really just like exiting an interstate just long enough to pee, then getting back into the car until the next rest stop.  You know after you stretch your legs and use the bathroom you feel better.  Then as the miles pass by, you feel trapped in the car.  Your eyes are watching the signs for the next rest stop.  Well, that is how I am feeling.  Only I realize that this road trip doesn't really have a final destination.  I will always have thoughts of recurrence in the back of my mind.  I guess while I am on the road, I need to enjoy the scenery.  I have learned to treasure my everyday life.  Even down to my sweet princess's scowls that she gives me on occasion (ok almost every other day).  I have learned to not take for granted anyone or anything.  A song I like to listen to is Miley Cyrus's "The Climb."  It helps me keep perspective.

While we are all on a road trip travelling different roads, I hope you are taking the time to stop and enjoy each day.  See you back on the road!

Breast Cancer update

First and foremost, the most exciting thing is my hair is growing.  My right eyebrow is growing faster than the left.  I don't have the heart to pluck those crazy random misplaced ones because I have gone so long without them.  I now only use eyeshadow to darken where the eyebrows are growing back instead of using the eyebrow pencil.  I don't think I ever became friends with that thing.  So, do you want a glimpse?

I have a lot more gray growing amongst my brown.  I'll take a little salt and pepper.  My son said we could always buy one of those boxes of color at the store :)  My daughter still is calling me bald. 

So, to update you on the latest of this journey.  I have been doing physical therapy since the surgery.  I have finally regained my normal range of motion.  I needed to get my arms above my head in order to start my radiation.  Goal met.  Big cheer for me.  I am starting to work on strengthening my arms back up.

About 2 weeks ago, I get a call from my oncologist's office asking if I could come in the next day in the afternoon.  I said, 'oh, did I forget an appointment?'  The response was no.  I then ask when was I suppose to see Dr. Mayers next, the receptionist said not until October.  I ask what my oncologist wants to see me for.  Of course the receptionist tells me, I just have a note that she would like to see you tomorrow afternoon.  I say okay and start freaking out.  My mind kicks into high gear thinking oh no this can't be good.  She got the wrong pathology reports and is going to tell me I need more chemo.

What can I say?  I am only human, right?  So it is a long night and day until finally the appointment time arrives.  It is actually good news (kinda of, sort of).  In the beginning of all of this, I was tested for HER2 + or HER2-.  My results came back equivocal.  So, I was considered neither.  Well, my oncologist reviewed my new pathology report from the double mastectomy again and found that my HER2 number registered 2.  You are considered HER2+ at 2.2 allowing for a drug Herceptin to add to treatment. 

You ask what does all this mean right?  Well, being HER2+ means that my cells have mutated allowing cancer to grow more aggressively.  Therefore, making my cancer more likely to reoccur.  My oncologist talked with my insurance and they are allowing me to take this Herceptin.  It is amazing the first pathology from the lymph node surgery rated HER2 at 1.7 and after the mastectomy, they pulled out a lucky cell to test that came back closer to the HER2 diagnosis.  Sounds confusing and not good, but to me, I have another weapon in my arsenal against this cancer.  Herceptin is suppose to work very well.  I will hooked up to an IV every 3 weeks for a year.  I feel lucky to have such a great oncologist that would review my chart again and catch this.  She is on it!

This week I start Herceptin.  I only experienced a low-grade fever and being knocked out by the benedryl given in case of allergic reaction to the drug.  I  got my left expander deflated about 150ccs to get ready for radiation.  Next Monday I get my mold made for radiation.  Then hopefully get started on my 28 sessions of radiation, wait for my skin to heal, trade out my expanders for implants and get my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed at the same time, finish my herceptin by next August, and hopefully be cancer free the remainder of my life.  Wow!  What a journey.  God never said life would be easy, but I am sure glad he is here with me.

Remember ladies, check yourself.  Know your body so you can detect things early.  Best wishes that you all are junking, thrifting, and creating while I still wait to get approved to lift more than 5 pounds.  Can't wait to do at least one project.  Who knows, I will figure something out.

I'm still standing

Yes, it is true.  I am still alive.  It will be three weeks tomorrow that I had my double mastectomy.  I had tissue expanders placed in at the same time.  When they say it takes about 4-6 weeks to recover, I think they have it about right.  It has only been 3 weeks but I am hanging in there.  The chemo worked.  They tested the breast tissue removed and found only 4mm of residual disease and had clear margins.  One doctor used the word cancer-free.  It is hard for me to grasp that.  Right now, I am hating these tissue expanders.  In case you don't know, basically these are a rough, hard type plastic capsules placed in a pocket of your chest wall muscle that they create after your breast tissue is removed to be filled to prepare your skin and muscles for an implant.  Unfortunately, this is not the run of the mill Housewives of Orange County way.

Because I will be doing radiation, the plastic surgeon wanted to fill me as much as he could.  So, I have 550cc expanders that were filled to 500cc at the time of the surgery.  It was like a baby elephant was placed on my chest.  My muscles were not enjoying being stretched.  Two weeks later, he placed the remaining 50ccs in.  That wasn't too bad.  It is more than the 'uncomfortable' that the nurses and doctors state but I guess it is the path I have chosen. 

Now that you are up to date, I wanted to share some pictures I had taken the week before my surgery.

I wanted this one to mark one of the hardest journeys in my life.  Don't laugh at the eyebrows.  They are incredibly hard to draw in once they are gone.  I will never make fun of any older woman ever again.  To let you know God does have a since of humor, my leg hair is growing like a forest, I am getting peach fuzz on my head but I still have about only 3 to 4 eyebrow hairs and eyelashes. 
Anyways, here are the most precious pictures to me because these little two ones along with my husband is why I would endure any treatment they would throw at me.  Every minute I have with them is precious.

Please give those you love a big strong hug and kiss and let them know.

Since I am still not allowed to lift anything over 5 pounds or do housework, I will be sitting around with my dust bunnies recovering while checking out all of your amazing projects. 

Nothing but good thoughts being sent out to all of you wonderful people.

Ciao

Ciao is Italian for goodbye and hello.  Ciao was the theme for a party some great gals threw for me to say goodbye to these old, cancer boobs and hello to hopefully a good set of cancer free, man-made boobs.  This group of girls have been so supportive whether it be through meals, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh, or prayers.  It has meant everything to have such a great support system!

(missing are 2 gals)

I was so surprised when to honor the Italian theme of Ciao, we were going for a gondola ride.  I wanted to share some pictures with you of me and these wonderful gals. 

During the ride, the gentleman steering the gondola asked what we were celebrating. My friends' faces had an awkward what should we say look. I turned and told him "why a double mastectomy." It took him only a couple of seconds to say, "so, we are celebrating life, or shedding a few pounds." It was so funny. I was very impressed with his quick, witty comment.  As we enjoyed the ride and each other, we also enjoyed the singing from the gentleman.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  I am so blessed to have great friends and family.  They rock!

Monday is the surgery day.  Yikes!!  Can you say nervous?!  They say it takes 4-6 weeks to recover.  Crazy to think that removing breasts is considered an outpatient surgery.  I am hoping to be one of those freakish women that recovers quickly and beautifully.  Crossing my fingers! 

So, I will be saying goodbye for a little while and hello later.  Wish me luck! 

Ciao!!   

What does cancer look like?

What does cancer look like? 

Some people think that if you have cancer, you have to look sick.  Obviously, you will have no hair.  You will be fragile and ready to break. 

Well, I have to say that I don't have hair and sometimes I look tire but I am trying to not break.  This has been a crazy ride with more lows than highs but I have been hanging in there making it through with my humor. 

So, what does cancer look like?

(okay, the two above were for fun.  Halloween wigs found at Goodwill.)

There you have it.

Suzy Sunshine

Hello ladies!  I just wanted to give you a big thank you for letting me have my mini therapy sessions and still sticking around.  I was told by my sis that my last post was a little strong.  Didn't mean for it to be but it sure felt good to let it out (since it had been bottled up for about a month).

Since I let it out, Debbie Downer hasn't been around.  Now it is just Suzy Sunshine!

(Finally, I have eyes in the back of my head!)

Have a wonderful day!

Okay, it is time for another round of free therapy.  The reason that I have been blogging less is that I have been having an internal struggle.  Everyone loves to tell the cancer gal about so and so who had breast cancer, then it came back, then it came back again, then she died.  Really people!  The last thing that someone going through chemo for their cancer wants to hear is how it kept coming back and won in the end.  People just don't realize that for those of us with the big C, our mortality is always on our minds whether or not we let you know.  I understand this is a way of connecting with us cancer gals but you just don't know until you know.

What I mean is that until you are served that dreaded C diagnosis, it is not likely you really get what we go through.  Cancer is what I have not who I am.  Unfortunately, it has flooded into my life and encompassed all aspects.  What should I eat?  Will this help the cancer grow?  What if I would have exercised more?  What if, what if, what if?  Then, I get to switch and think about all of the what ifs in the future?  What if I don't have a good reconstruction?  What if it comes back?  What if, what if, what if?   

I have been pretty positive for the most part but here lately, I have hit a struggling patch.  With all of the stories people have told me about all of these women who have underwent one to two recurrences, it just frightens me.  To think that I will have to possibly go through this again as well as all of my family and friends.  Not to think that this big C could possibly get me.  It is all very terrifying but I suppose it is this little thing called life.

So, I have taken a short break from my reality of cancer and went back to some old habits of soda and fast food for a couple of weeks.  It was just getting exhausting to think of every morsel that was going into my mouth and deal with all of my fears while just keeping them to myself.  But as I have written and purged just now, I feel a renewed commitment to do whatever that I can to stick around for the next 40 to 50 years! 

Well, that felt pretty good.  Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!  Ha!Ha!

Brought to you by...

This is another post brought to you by the ramblings of cancer girl.  I hope you will stayed tuned and not unsubscribe or unfollow.  I will try to limit my ramblings.  I know we all wonder around blog land for inspiration.  Trust me, I know how depressing all of this cancer sharing can be.  So, hang in there with me.  I do have somethings to show you after I ramble.

I have officially made it half way through my chemo treatments.  I start a new chemo drug, Taxol, for the next two months.  I have my 1/2 way through chemo check with the surgeon next Tuesday.  I am terrified that the chemo isn't working and the four nuisances are growing.  I know it is counterproductive to think this way but I am only human.

When I first got the news that I had breast cancer, I was a complete mess.  Everyone was telling me to stay positive.  I really resented that.  I mean, I was positive I didn't want cancer and positive I don't want to die from it either.  After starting my chemo, I finally turned my attitude around.  Instead of it being, 'I may die from this.'  It turned into 'Let's get to this and finish it so I can live again.' 

Being a Christian, I have always thought of entering those pearly gates.  Those gates seemed to be set in front of me.  To tell you the truth, it is scary.  I know the one thing all of us have in common is we will all die.  I just never anticipated having to think about it this early.  I'll let you in on a little secret.  I still am not thinking about it.  I plan to make it through.  I did have to giggle when I thought about hubs having to go through my closet and things.  He would then know the real truth behind my hoarding habits.  It would probably give him a heart attack.  So, I better stick around.

Along with this being therapeutic, I have indulged in a little retail therapy.  This beauty was from the antique store where I have my booth.  Isn't it wonderful?!  It will look even better dripped in crystals, don't you think?
  

Next, I fell in love with this french little chair at the auction.  I felt like it represented me. 

A little broken and tattered but still here.  It will need the bad parts fixed and replaced but will end up looking great!  (Hopefully, like me.) 

You just got to love retail therapy.  You can find hope and inspiration anywhere.  Hope you are having a great week!

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